Quotes I would like to have attributed to me:
"Arguing with a New Yorker is like spitting into a hurricane."
"I've never been surprised by the similarity between the words marital and martial."
"Old people don't think stuff's funny."
Slips of the tongue that can fade away into oblivion:
Thirty minutes after telling a guy that I would like to kick his ass, I said, "You're just standing around waiting for an ass kissing, aren't you?"
Upon losing it when my kids refused to take no for an answer:
"From now on, when I say No, I MEAN YES!"
I'm sure there are more, because I'm quite brilliant, you know.